I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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