Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
