That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
