What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
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