im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
this beer tastes like vomit already
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Randomize
