why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
