if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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