Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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