I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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