time to smoke my breakfast
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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