did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
