I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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