he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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