the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
