He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
