I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
FUCK WHALES
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