i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
