JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
