If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
