remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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