What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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