Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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