Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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