it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Duck Duck Cougar?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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