Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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