I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
