i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
