I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
