True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
