Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
false alarm. still invincible.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
