I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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