How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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