I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
