were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
