I cut my penus on the lid.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
