When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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