I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
It's blow job season.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
