woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
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