She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
