Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
