We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
