Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Randomize
