We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
