just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
