So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
