i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
40s are totally the cure
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
