im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
