you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
