right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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