Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
