also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
In America we eat man semen.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Randomize
