I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
